|
Click here to begin the coaching process.
Back to the Main Articles Page
|
|
Who's Really the Victim in Abuse?
How Our Beliefs are Shaping Our Communities
As an NLP Life Coach I work very closely with beliefs that clients present to me. Sometimes our beliefs are in line with our desires, and sometimes not. When the later occurs, people will begin to experience stress, anxiety, and even physiological symptoms which left unattended can lead to more chronic illnesses. Beliefs play an integral part on what we experience, our lifestyle, and our behaviour. Thus, our beliefs and values are very much determinants of past, present and future behaviour.
I am particularly concerned with the belief that is being place on our young boys to be strong and tough, a belief that could be ultimately perpetuating generational family violence and abuse perpetrated by men. Although, I recognize that victims of abuse are not specific to women, as more reports of men being abuse are emerging, far more women are abuse by comparison. Abusive men often experience their victimization much earlier in life, experiencing issues of perhaps verbal, emotional, sexual and/or physical abuse, neglect and abandonment as a child. Consequently, men enter adulthood carrying their emotional baggage, entering relationships with fear, frustration and angry with the intent to control for the purpose of preventing the feelings of victimization and abandonment from ever reoccurring again. Unfortunately, this generational family violence and abuse is affecting our marriages, divorces and resulting in criminal activity, unless the men seek help to prevent history from repeating itself.
So how is this related to beliefs? Beliefs play an integral part in the system of abuse. If young boys are taught to believe suppression of their emotions equals being strong or "cool" or "macho", what kind of emotional impact is that having on them in adulthood? Child psychologists Dr. Dan Kindlon and Dr. Michael Thompson, renowned authors of Raising Cain, shared a similar concern and worked with young boys and their families for more than thirty-five years. They were alarmed and felt an urgency as our young boys continued being raised to suppress their emotional life in service of rigid ideas of manhood. Both Dr. Kindlon and Dr. Thompson suggested that until viable alternatives are implemented, this cultural trend will inevitably lead to angry young boys who are destined to become lonely and embittered middle-aged men.
So, this belief of teaching our boys to be macho, cool and tough only serves to perpetuate a suppressed emotional life for young boys and men. Consequently, this belief drives their feelings of abandonment, fear, anger and shame, but also denies both men and women the respect, safety and security desired in intimate, personal and professional relationships.
It seems too easy a solution that re-evaluating one belief could have such a drastic impact, a first step to making our communities, our workplace and our home life a safe and secure place to be. For all those men who want that dream family filled with mutual love and respect, perhaps utilizing my skills and training as a NLP Life coach could be a very viable and advantageous path to explore to assist you to learn, improve and develop relationship skills in order to escape the emotional prison that keeps you stuck.
Below are some indicators for the different types of abuse:
Verbal Abuse:
- Verbally threatening (telling you to stop crying...or else)
- Abusing your children
- Being sarcastic and critical
- Blaming you repeatedly for things that go wrong
- Insulting you or your family
- Laughing in your face
- Yelling, shouting, or raising their voice at you
Emotional/Psychological Abuse:
- Intimidating you, making you afraid
- Playing 'mind games'
- Ignoring you, being silent, walking away in a discussion
- Refusing to deal with issues
- Putting you down, finding and talking about your faults
- Acting jealous and being possessive, falsely accusing you
- Treating you like a child
- Making you think you're stupid or crazy
- Refusing to do things with you, or for you
- Not telling you what he is doing and lying
- Criticizing how you look
- Not allowing you to do what he does himself
- Telling sexist or woman-hating jokes
- Destroying your belongings
- Hurting your pets
Social Abuse:
- Putting you down, ignoring you
- Embarrassing you in front of your children, making scenes in public
- Not letting you see your friends or being rude to your friends
- Being jealous of your friends, family or accomplishments
- Being nice to others but changing his personality when with you
- Not taking responsibility for the children
- Turning your children against you
- Comparing you unfavourably with other women
- Not allowing you to express your emotions (denying your feelings)
Sexual Abuse:
- Threatening to harm your reputation
- Accusing you of having sex with other men
- Forcing you to have sex (rape)
- Putting you down or comparing you sexually to others
- Getting back at you for refusing to have sex
- Sleeping around, or threatening to
- Treating you as a sex object
- Forcing you to look at pornography
- Hounding you for sex or forcing certain positions
Financial/Economic Abuse:
- Controlling you by not paying the bills
- Refusing to give you money for groceries, clothing, things you need
- Spending all the money on things he wants
- Forbidding you to work outside the home
- Taking your money or your pay cheque
- Not letting you take part in financial decisions
Until next month....
Krista McKay
Life coach/Freelance writer
References for this article include:
Making Changes: A Book for Women in Abusive Relationships. Nova Scotia Advisory Council on the Status of Women. Halifax: 2001
Kindlon, Dan and Thompson, Michael. Raising Cain. New York: New York, 1999.
|
|